1Liners

I've been slackin', but here are a few!

Listening to women tell stories is like listening to free form jazz. I never know what the hell's going on, but when there's silence I have to act impressed.

Another sign said, "Wet Paint," so I threw water at it.

No news is good news, unless there's no news because every reporter is dead.

I feel a small sense of pride whenever I make a Gmail password that is Very Strong.

On the subway, a sign read "Beware the Gap," so now I only go to Old Navy.

Headlines

The First Lady enjoyed a South African safari with her two daughters over the weekend. Hoping to see some wild lions and giraffes, the group was startled to discover what they thought was a rhino, was actually just a grazing Newt Gingrich.

A study presented at the American Diabetes Association this week shows that drinking diet soda actually make you fatter. In an equally shocking presentation, scientists demonstrated that “lean bacon” isn’t so lean, the Tooth Fairy isn’t real, and yes, you will lose it if you don't use it.

Zoologists studying spotted hyenas in Kenya claim to have difficulties distinguishing male and female genitalia. Zoologists, it seems, have not devoted much time to the study of pornography.

This past weekend, New York became the seventh and largest state to allow same-sex marriage. Now gay and lesbian and couples in NY can enjoy the same rights and privileges as straight married couples, including the ability to make medical decisions in emergency situations, easier transfers of estate in the event of one partner’s death, and an initially passionate, but eventually diminishing and monotonous sex life.

Scientists have made a new drug that can add 2 - 5 months of life for victims of late-stage prostate cancer, thereby ensuring that the most painful time-frame of their lives lasts even longer.

Oscar Sánchez-Macouzet, an evolutionary biologist at the National Autonomous University of Mexico, released a report about bullying in blue-footed boobies. When asked how he first came into this field of study, he replied, “I like boobies.”

Awkward Moments

[Dad halfway down the stairs. 18 year old me at the computer]

Dad: Hey Tommy, you still a virgin?

18 year old Tom: [awkward silence] Yeah.

Dad: What the hell’s wrong with you. Get on that! [walks back upstairs]